Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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