Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
