I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
