I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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