My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
