someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
