the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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