He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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