please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
