new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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