just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
