I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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