No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
