I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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