I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
