im drinking this country out of the recession.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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