someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
