Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
