i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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