she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Randomize
