I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
