she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
