all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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