Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
