someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
