yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
