Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
