Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
