Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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