Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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