but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
