ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
