Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
