Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
