i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
