Soap is not a condiment
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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