I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
