remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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