Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
