Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
