I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
