Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
