I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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