Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
