Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
