That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Your cock deserves a montage
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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