that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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