WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
