all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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