I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
